The Adnostic

I had a friend who insisted on giving every single one of her friends a gift. I really wish she didn't because she always just ended up giving everyone the same piece of if-not-junk-then-awfully-close that she got from the dollar store. I had never meant the words "you shouldn't have" more than when she bestowed her holiday generosity upon me, and then I would sneak a sorrowful look of solidarity towards her other victims.

People, don't be that person. If you can't think of anything good to give then don't give anything at all. Gifting crap that people don't really want only creates an artificial demand for useless shit that will either collect dust or eventually wind up in a landfill. The best possible result would be that it becomes a booby gift in a White Elephant game, and even then it will still be just another piece of eventual trash.

As for myself, I am a highly skilled ninja warrior of gift giving. I try to genuinely think of the person I am giving something to when I shop and put their tastes and desires before my own. I also listen to them throughout the year as they tell me about their interests or new hobbies that they're starting and buy gifts accordingly. I don't always hit the mark, but I think I succeed far more often than I fail.

The only person who regularly stumps me is my father because he buys everything he wants when he wants it and anything that I could possibly find that he doesn't know about he wouldn't want. It would go into the crap pile, so I make him find his own gifts and tell me what to get. Then we pretend that it was a surprise. Collective denial is essential within families.

Okay, so now there's you. Maybe you suck at gift giving, or maybe you're just looking for outside sources of inspiration, or maybe you're just looking for something that doesn't scream "I bought this at the mall." I have two words for you - Shopping Blogs. If you read this blog regularly then you probably already know about these, but if you don't then check them out and at the very least get some inspiration. MightyGoods, Uncrate, NotCot, and Outblush are some great examples.

I'm not saying that there isn't a need for generic gifts. There will always be a need for the mass impersonals, office gifts are the perfect example, all I'm saying is don't just give people stuff (that's a personal thing, I'm anti-stuff, other people sometimes like to accumulate things that serve no purpose beyond just sitting there, but not me) (vinyl sculptures that look freaking awesome on my desk are exempt from this rule) and for god's sake please stop giving candy. Isn't it bad enough that we gain 5lbs every holiday season without the extra help?

So what's the perfect generic gift? Alcohol. Namely wine. I say wine because there are very few people in this world who do not appreciate a good bottle of wine, and even the people that don't can bring it or break it out at their next dinner party for people who do. Ah, perfection. Ask your local wine merchant for a good "value" selection and get yourself a case. If you think far enough ahead, you can even take advantage of the BevMo 5¢ Sale. A full price wine tastes just as good as a half price wine. Hellz yeah.

Then there are the people you just don't know what to do with. They don't need anything, they don't want anything, and you have no idea how to satisfy their tastes. Do not be tempted to even try with these people because you are likely to fail and will waste your money. Let someone else give them something pointless and unmemorable or allow someone who knows them better to succeed. In these cases I suggest charity. Nothing says "you are impossible to buy for so I got an outhouse in a 3rd world country in your name" than charity. You can even personalize it buy giving a donation to a cause that person may have some real or idealistic connection to.

Happy holidays. Good luck with your shopping (I just finished last week, ha ha ha ha ha), and mind the crap.

PS - for you designers out there who keep lecturing us about being more selective in our consumption (buy less of better), that goes for you too.