The Adnostic

I have a dream. I have a dream that one day I will receive a conference goodie bad where I will not throw out anywhere from 75% to 100% of its contents, including the bag. It is a dream where I do not see a shameful waste of marketing dollars, but a shining beacon for generating consumer affection through branded utility and just plain old-fashioned fun.

Usually when I get a goodie bag I am disappointed. The bag is filled with bits of paper advertising this and promoting that and these bits of color-processed pulp go straight into the waste bin (unless there is a recycling bin, bless you Bloor Marriott in Toronto).

Other standard goodie bag chotchkes are key chains, water bottles, note pads, stickers, buttons and these go straight to the trash as well. Why? Because these trinkets do not satisfy one of these three elements for good freebies that I would be proud to use allow people to see me displaying a corporate logo:

a) I find it useful outside of a conference setting
-- I keep the canvas bags sponsored by Adobe from SXSW for groceries
-- I kept the Trinchero wine pull for obvious reasons
b) It is well integrated with the conference theme and/or activities and/or relevant to its attendants
-- Pentagram New York gave me their version of a guidebook to Manhattan filled with points of interest for designers (I'm not a designer, but it was an AIGA conference)
c) It is well designed and doesn't look like crap
-- The Savits sponsored bags at the AAAA conference looked like they were made of Kevlar and had a huge ugly logo printed on the side, at least the SXSW bags display a fun design on one side and the Adobe logo on the other
d) I do not already have the same item from three other conferences that I've been to in the last year
-- Please, I beg you, stop giving note pads and key chains. I have more than I will ever need. We all do.

Companies who bother to sponsor an element of a conference goodie bag are throwing their money down the drain because the item they chose to put their brand on does not satisfy even one of those four elements. Not even one. Therefore, into the trash it goes.

I have ideas. I want people to be overjoyed by their goodie bags. Like Halloween, but more grown up.

The Zen Master ran a conference of his very own this year and had a decent goodie bag, but I think it could be better and I have asked (okay, begged) to be put in charge of the freebies next year. The conference consists of two days of web technology and design and two days of skiing and socializing. Look at that - a theme! Snow. Skiing. Winter. Hooray! We have a direction.

Now for my ideas:

- A screen-printed Baggu bag to hold everything.
-- These bags are great. They're inexpensive, they look good, they fold up into a pouch small enough to fit in your purse or keep in your glove compartment, its washable, and it makes a great shopping bag. It practically begs to be reused.

- Customized M&Ms (or another kind of snack food)
-- Who couldn't use a chocolate pick-me-up after a day of heavy thinking and discussion?

- Hand Warmers
-- It’s usable and will be appreciated by those who join the skiing expedition.

- Neck Gators
-- Can be embroidered and reused.

- Pocket Shots
-- Because if you're going to be sponsoring drinks then why not sponsor drinks to go?

- New Books or Magazines
-- You have a small group highly educated people who probably blog or have a degree of influence over their industry peers and by giving them the first run of a book or magazine can seed potential word of mouth among their community

- Thumb Drives
-- I know that people get these all the time, but what can I say? They're handy.

- Luggage Tags
-- I'm actually surprised companies don't give these out more often. The ones you already have sometimes break and it’s always good to have an extra one lying around. Once again, handy.

- Pre-made Werewolf cards
-- This is for web geeks only. I never actually played this game, but I hear that it’s bizarrely popular.

- Beer or Wine Carrying Cozy
-- It's classy, useful, and will likely be appreciated by the attendants for years after the conference is over.

I could go on, but why give every drop of milk for free. I hope this works, because I would love to be responsible for a goodie bag that doesn’t suck. Who knows? Maybe I could start a trend.