The Adnostic

Dear Short Asian Comic,

I am sure that you are a very funny guy. There is no way that you can perform at the Largo and be in the same line-up as Louis CK, Sarah Silverman, and Patton Oswalt and not, at least at some point in time be considered funny. Unfortunately, last night you were marginally funny. Sure, you got some laughs, but for that room on that night, you clearly bombed and the whole room knew it.

Now, when you are having an off night, I would heed this advice - this is not the time to start hitting on the girl in the front row while you are on stage in the middle of your set. It is awkward. When you ask (in front of the whole room) if she is here with anyone and she desperately reaches for her friend sitting on the other side of the table and audibly pleads for help, change the subject. Change the subject immediately. This is a clear signal that your very public attention is not welcome.

You didn't bring your A Game that night. I understand. It's okay. Just please don't make it my problem and drag me into your personal 10 minutes of Hell.

I'm Just Saying,

An Innocent Victim

I have a budget. Granted, it is a vague budget, but it exists and it is sometimes met, often blown out of the water, and occasionally I get lucky and come in under the wire. Semi-monthly trips to Vancouver, new car payments, and various entertainment expenses have made this later occurrence an even scarcer phenomenon.

During my seven-hour flight of Economy/Livestock Class Hell to and from Boston this past week, I was left with a lot of time to ponder. After exhausting the in-flight magazine, any hope of sleep, and the business related book I had brought, I began to ponder my hair. Mostly, the abundance of breakage points and split ends in my hair. This is what girls do when there is a lack of distraction for an extended period of time. Trust me, this is somewhat normal.

Okay, now I'm going to get to the point, because I do indeed have a point.

I am left with a slight dilemma. Do I fix my personal computer for $300 or fix my hair for $200* this weekend?

If I fix my computer now, I will be certain that I will be able to Skype with The Zen Master during his trip to England next month. In the mean time, my hair will grow longer and less coiffed, my roots will grow increasingly apparent, and my damaged ends will exponentially grow in number because I will be unable to see a stylist for another three weeks.

If I fix my hair now, I will be able to cut off all the damaged ends, fill in my roots, look good for ZM when he arrives on Wednesday, and not feel like a haggard hippie when I go into client meetings. But, because I will not be able to take my computer to the repair shop for another three weeks, there is a slim chance that I will be unable to Skype with ZM during his first few days across The Pond.

No, I can't do both. My "budget" only allows for one or the other. I know this sounds risky and shallow, but I'm leaning towards fixing my hair. I have my work computer to get me through the interim.

* Yes, I spend $200 on my hair. Bite me.

My sister, the one in vet school, is venting to me about her moronic classmates who don't seem to realize that they may be causing their patients pain.

Leah: What is wrong with these people?

Me: Well, you're an empathetic person. You're a bitch, but you're an empathetic bitch. The people who get into vet school are A-type personalities. They're used to clawing their way to the top by any means necessary and that doesn't lend itself to empathy.

Leah: Why don't more nice people become vets?

Me: It's a self-eliminating process that way.

She's also telling me that she has to do a teeth cleaning tomorrow which she hasn't had to do since her years as a vet tech.

Leah: The dog has a pacemaker, so the attending told me to keep him away from magnets.

Me: Are magnets usually involved in a teeth cleaning?

Leah: No, but you never know. Apparently it's mean to take a small dog with a pacemaker into a room with an MR (Magnetic Resonance) machine because they go flying across the room.

(I want to see that on YouTube and I want to see that on YouTube now.)

We also had a lengthy conversation about the consistency of cow poo, the presence of corn in cow poo, Belgian draft horses named "Barney," blood donor dogs who jump around in their own poo, blood donor cats who hate my sister and have nasty litter boxes, spayed female dogs who like to hump my sister while she's in bed, how she's turning into our mother because she gushes about her pets as though they were her own children, and no, I didn't need to send her an Il Divo cd.

Believe it or not, this was a really great conversation. We totally bonded.