The Adnostic

On Sunday I had a guy with seemingly great romantic potential dump me after one date for perfectly shallow reasons, and then call me a couple days later in an attempt to convince me that he's really not the jerk I think he is. You can probably tell that this particular argument yielded no results in his favor.

On Friday I had another guy with absolutely zero romantic potential try to sleep with me for reasons with an equitable amount of depth. Is it just me, or am I on a bit of a streak? The one on Friday has a story that bears repeating....

I had just left a friend's birthday dinner around 10pm and considering that I was still a bit raw and teary from my Sunday encounter, had no desire to return home at such an early hour. I needed a drink. I needed tequila. So I called a former coworker, The Chin, who had been bugging me to check out a bar near his house since we stopped working together, and asked if he was doing anything. He was free, so I parked nearby and we walked to the bar together.

At the bar I had a margarita and a shot of my favorite and very hard to find reposado. I talked about my last disastrous working environment. He told me how things were going back at our former mutual place of business. I mentioned my excitement about my new job. The Chin went on about his girlfriend in Orange County. I related my most recent dating nightmare. He talked about his snowboarding weekend with his girlfriend, which resulted in her being diagnosed with a partially collapsed lung. I talked about my plans for the coming weekend with my friends on Saturday and a couple loads of laundry on Sunday, and he told me about how his girlfriend with the partially collapsed lung was driving up to spend the weekend with him.

Chin: Do you like that show, Entourage?

Me: I only caught a couple episodes, but it seems like a good show.

Chin: Do you want to come back to my place to watch it?

Me: (knowing that I could use some water and time to sober up) Sure. [Thinking - He's safe. He has a girlfriend.]

We went back to his place. I got some water and planted myself at the farthest end of the couch and he turned on the TV and took a seat on the same couch with a respectable amount of distance.

By the second episode I was uncomfortably aware of his arm on the back of the couch. By midway through the third he had made the mistake of moving his hand from the safety of the back of the couch to the back of my neck. I was having none of it.

I shot him a "what the f@#% do you think you're doing" look and he smiled sheepishly and backed off. I left soon after.

What kind of fool thinks I'm the kind of girl that would be a party to cheating? It's not like I was some slut he picked up in a bar. We worked together. He knows me and he should have known far better. Now he ruined any chance we have for a real friendship. Well done, Chin. Well done indeed.

Me: He went from laughing and giggling with me to complete shut down mode, Kimi. I don't think he's ever going to get past this.

Kimi: I'm sorry sweetheart.

Me: I don't deserve this, Kimi. I just don't deserve this.

Kimi: I know baby, but one day you'll find someone who knows enough not to care and then you'll be in a relationship and none of this will matter.

Me: I did the right thing. I know I should be able to take comfort in that, but I feel awful.

Kimi: I know baby.

Me: I just want to cry.

Kimi: Oh honey...

About two weeks ago my monogamous relationship of 8 years with my Ford Explorer came to a screeching halt. Well, not really. It came more to a screeching I-was-stuck-in-the-Branes&Nobel-parking-lot-and-my-car-will-not-go-in-reverse-so-I-had-to-call-AAA-who-pushed-me-out-of-the-space-where-I-was-able-to-put-the-car-in-gear-and-drive-all-the-way-to-my-parents'-house-without-coming-out-of-second-gear-and-plant-it-in-their-driveway. The screeching was just my own disgusted voice.

Anyways, I called my parents' car buying agent, who has over the past fifteen years found all of my family's cars, and asked him what I should do. Sink more money into the SUV and get a new transmission or get a new car. He said getting a new transmission would be a waste of money and that he could sell the car for me as-is. Awesome. One less thing I have to worry about. I suggested some new cars I was willing to look at and he got busy trying to find what I wanted.

That's when I called Momiji Man and asked him about which model of the car company he works for I should get. He saved the day and further elevated himself in my eyes by inviting me to come down to his office to look at the retired fleet models they had available and hopefully buy a great, low mileage, used car for price below Blue Book. I knew he would come in handy.

Because I was between jobs again, I was able to come by the next day and meet Momiji Man for car shopping and a little lunch. We walked around the fleet lot, checked a few cars and he stopped in front of a sporty little dark gray number.

Momiji: I like this one. It's speaking to me.

Me: What's it saying?

We got the keys and I buckled up for a test drive only to find out that the previous owner was almost exactly my size. Omens don't get much better than that. I drove it around and admired the handling and the peppy engine. I don't think I've ever had a peppy engine. All my cars have always been slow and powerful. Pressing the gas and actually feeling a noticeable response was a nice change.

Momiji gave me an estimated price, which seemed really reasonable, and I agreed to buy the car. Momiji still holds his 100% close rate. Way to go! Quite the salesman for an engineer.

Me: What about an iPod hook up?

Momiji: We're working on it. We almost have it.

Me: And you're going to retrofit my car when you do, right?

Momiji: [sly smile] Yes, I'll retrofit your car when we do.

Now comes the hard part. The company is never in any hurry to part with their cars so I am still waiting to find out when I can buy it. It still needs to be processed and it's hard to tell how long that will take. In the mean time, I am renting a POS mobile with only two positive attributes - it runs and it was cheap.

I just hope the new car comes quickly. I am in dire need of reliable transportation and that rent-a-wreck could crap out on me at any moment.

We girls have taken over the couch. We are recovering from the early consumption of whiskey and bourbon and watching Sean Connery play with his marvelous toys as James Bond in Never Say Never Again.

Jodi: What kind of gadgets would we have?

Dina: We could dip tampons in gasoline and set them on fire.

Me: And use the applicators as a projectile device. [I make shooting noises]

Dina: How MacGyver of you.

Me: Heck, we could make nuclear tampon bombs.

Dina: Completely unnecessary. Men are scared enough by feminine hygiene products to leave them as they are.

Me: We could beat them with our maxi pads.

Jodi: With wings?

Me: No. Wings are only for remote targets.

Jodi: You've got to blog this.

Dr: Wow, on paper you're quite a catch! You're smart. You're funny. You're attractive. You can be casual, but you can also be comfortable dressing up for a formal event. You come from a nice family. You're athletic. You drink. You dance. You're into all kinds of different things.

Me: What about off paper? Am I completely worthless off paper?

Dr: No. You're just confusing.

Me: Great.

Remember that book that was published in the early 90's, Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten? Remember how great and insightful all those little vignettes were. I don't think I knew a single person who didn't read it and love it.

Now, it's a new millennium and I hold firm to the belief that we as a community, a nation, and a world need a more modern version of that same book. It would be a collaborative effort written by freshly minted surgeons and physicians from across the US. We would call it...........

This has been my favorite so far:

If you are going to get into a fight, and have a prosthetic eye, make sure you take it out first.....and, for safe keeping, shove it up your vagina.....then, realize that you cannot get it out and go to the ED for removal.

My dad is a doctor. How come he never bestows upon me any wisdom like that? Who knows when it could come in handy?

I just deleted my calendar and reorganized my links and managed to completely screw up my main index in the process. I know I got rid of some important code along the way, I'm just not sure what.

Ms. Jen? Rocket Boy? Any advice?

It seems that This American Life, one of my few reasons for waking up any time before noon on weekends has just been contracted to produce six shows for the premium cable network, Showtime.

Now, don't painc. Ira and the gang will still be doing their radio show. They will just be producing six extra shows within the same revered TAL format and adding a visual element to the stories. This is the first time since my decision to give up television (at home) three years ago, that I am tempted to hook up my TV.

Does my dad get Showtime? Will he TiVo it for me? He must. It would be abusive of him not to.

Hmmmm. I wonder if they will be needing a sound mixer with reality television experience?

Ha ha ha ha ha! I foiled the grand ecommerce plot against my getting the red Crumpler Considerable Embarrassment bag! That bag is mine! All mine! Within a week's time I will have a brand new, bright red messenger bag with a padded interior pouch for my 14" Apple iBook. I am a cunning genius, I tell you! A diabolical mastermind!

You may ask how I managed such a feat with the odds so clearly against me, and a truly diabolical person would not tell you. Alas, I am not so diabolical, so I will tell you.

Impressed? No? Well fooey! You should be! In a digital world filled with emails and online transactions, who would have thought using such a Jurassic technology, like "the phone," would be the answer? Me! That's who!

I called Crumpler and told them that I was quite perturbed by their little hand flipping me the little bird and wondered when this bag would actually be available. They told me that the bag was indeed available and that the little hand was actually an issue with the link and that they would be happy to take my order over "the phone." Apparently "the phone" operators were unaware of the grand ecommerce conspiracy and I was not about to do something as foolish as alert them to it's presence.

I am triumphant at last! I will arrive at SXSW in true geek style!

My last therapy session was a little weird. The sessions had been noticeably "dryer" since we got past my first two months and I really felt like we were getting ready to do some serious digging into all the emotional crap that I didn't want to let go of. I'm being quite literal here. We were talking about discussing emotional issues among friends, family, and significant others and I had wrapped my arms protectively around my stomach as like a pregnant woman defending her unborn child.

Freaky.

But that was the session before last. This last session we got on the subject of my parents and my being torn between my wanderlust of wanting to try living in another city and my wanting to be close to my mother and father as they get older and be there for them in their coming times of need. I made this decision after helping my mother put Abby down. It was awful to see my mom that upset, but I was so glad that I was able to be there for her. This subject got me crying again.

I don't welcome the idea of my parents becoming in any way infirm, but my love for them and my desire to do the right thing trumps all personal reservations. Damn righteous upbringing.

After a while I regained control and was able to talk normally again. We discussed a few other things before it was time to leave.

Dr: Well, our session is almost over. You need to find a guy you can share this with, someone who understands you.

Me: [sudden uncontrollable SOBBING]

I mean these were serious water works. Niagara Falls had nothing on me. All those times I cried before were nothing compared to this.

Me: [control regained] Grand finale.

Dr: Where did that come from?

Me: It just seems like I'm asking for the impossible. Where am I going to find someone who understands all of this? Who wants to deal with all of this?

Dr: Well, I doubt he'll get all of it, but he'll get a lot of it. You'll be fine.

Me: [embarrassed giggle]

Like I said, weird.

I was reading this short article in Fast Company a little while ago titled How to Work Extremely Well and thought it was interesting that it basically advocated a work/life balance philosophy which I have been attempting to practice for years - don't be 100% about your job.

Here are a few of their tips:

1) Think of things you like to do outside of work. Pick one.

To be honest I have a few - horseback riding and competing, dancing, cooking, and going to concerts. But, if work forced me to choose just one, I would choose riding and showing horses.

2) Nurture your relationships.

Okay. This hasn't really been an issue so far, considering that I have yet to meet a man who was sincerely interested in having a serious long-term relationship with me. Hopefully I can put this in practice when I do meet that person.

3) Make time for friends.

Check. I make time to meet with anywhere from one to many friends at least once a week. It's usually in the form of an activity, like a BYO Wine/Alcohol Tasting Party, a concert, or a performance, but I think that part of the fun is having a shared experience. Besides, I can't imagine any of those things being nearly as fun flying solo.

4) Build little rewards into your daily life.

Um, check? I think I do this, but I can't say I've taken a real vacation in quite some time. I think I incorporate this rule with "making time for friends." Dinners out, organizing parties, taking in the culture of LA, are all mainstays of how I live; but seriously, I need to give myself a real vacation.

I'll probably end up visiting Jen in Ireland or joining her on her graduation wine tasting trip through France. The details haven't been worked out, but I know that I will finally be spending some time in Europe. Something I've been meaning to do for years.