The Adnostic

I was dog-sitting for my parents on the Saturday before Halloween. I should have been partying to Manic Hispanic, but instead I was making sure that Ruby's "accidents" were dealt with in a timely manner. It's okay, I came out ahead. Mom gave me a gorgeous embroidered brown satin top from Anthropologie as payment for services rendered.

At around 11:30pm that night the elderly-swinging-bachelor-next-door's party was in full effect with some sucky screamo band in mid-set with their amps turned up to 11. I was just biding my time and praying for sleep.

Then Elizabeth, the very sweet, but slightly ADD, next door neighbor called asking what she should do.

Elizabeth: The kids will be home soon and I don't want to be a party pooper. Do you think 1:30 is too early to call the police?

Me: Elizabeth, they're musicians. They're lazy. They've been playing since 11 and I doubt they'll last past midnight.

Elizabeth: So calling at 1:30 would be okay.

Me: Honey, I'd call them at midnight if they don't turn this crap off.

Elizabeth: Okay. You call the police at midnight and I'll call them at 12:15.

Me: Deal.

As if on cue, the screamo band ended their set at midnight sans encore. Psychic? No. A certifiable rock concert expert? Without a doubt.

I have a multitude of reasons to like my job:

- I get to surf the net all day and call it "research."
- Last week we had beer during our status meeting.
- I get to travel on the company dime.
- The work I do get is challenging and always a little different.
- I don't have to deal with clients!

Guess what campaign we just finished working on? No, I'm not giving you hint.

(I'm the one doing jazz-hands.)

I have been dateless for too long. I can tell. How? I have started entertaining fantasies of a certain hot, brilliant, Boston musician who has gone far too long without a West Coast tour. Every time I start having a dry spell of the opposite sex, my thoughts always go back to him.

Is he still in that other band? Has he branched out? Good God Google brings up a ton of accurate hits for his name! I wonder if he ever thinks about me? Sure, that kiss in the parking lot was bad, but we were nervous. It happens.

I wonder if that number he gave me actually works? Should I use it? Long distance is free and I have plenty of minutes. I probably shouldn't. He'll think I'm some kind of crazed stalker and then going to his shows will be awkward. Which would suck because I love his band. I would have to linger in the back and pray he doesn't see me. I hate lingering in the back.

Maybe some guys were meant to stay crushes. How sad.

I went to see a show the other night with Gogol Bordello, Throw Rag, and the Scotch Greens. I had never seen Gogol before and was curious about them as a headliner, but to be honest, my real reason for going was to see the Scotch Greens again. Five cute guys from Idaho via San Diego playing the best Bluegrass punk you've ever laid your ears on, with fantastic hooks and entertaining stage presence. I love SG like I love ham!

I remember seeing them just last year at Alex's Bar and Molly Malone's when they played for next to no one and made you beg for more, now they're playing the Troubadour and will most likely only get bigger, and I have to admit, it does my heart proud even if I'm a little sad that I'll be losing them to bigger crowds.

The real surprise of seeing them after their long hiatus from the LA area was their new "image." I'm used to seeing them look as though they just stumbled half hungover off of some vagabond train. Now, now they look like .... like.... ugh.... rock stars. Someone brutally slapped them with a stylist and I'm not sure they'll ever be the same again. Observe:

Before - Look how innocent they seem.

After - All slicked up and primed for a Behind the Music special.

The most tragic news of the evening was that Danger Russ, the hottest banjo/mandolin player in the known universe, got himself married. My heart breaks. (sniff)

Jacque, the lady whose horse I ride every Sunday out in BFE, has propositioned me, and not in a sexual way. She's going to start keeping both of her horses out in Norco, trailering them to Costa Mesa for lessons, and putting the money she saves towards more horse shows with her jumper, Tiger. She asked if I was interested in taking lessons on Katanga with Tiffany again and occasionally another trainer in Thousand Oaks.

Let's see.... ride with a trainer who will teach me at my skill level on a horse who will challenge me as a rider, or keep riding with the ten year olds. Yes please! Take me with you!

I have to talk with Nick and Lisa about this, but I'm sure they'll understand. Lisa knows I'm not improving with her and she can't provide the challenge I need and Nick can't start letting me ride with him on regular basis without a horse of my own, which is a financial commitment I just can't make right now.

Jacque's offer is just way too hard to turn down, regardless of my loyalties.

Mom and Dad went to San Diego on Saturday and came back with a fawn colored retired racing Greyhound puppy formerly known as Pinch, but Mom has decided to call her Ruby. Isn't she just the cutest?

She's very friendly, a little too skinny (we're working on that), loves people, fears cars and stairs (we're working on that too), and is still learning where the bathroom is located. Outside, Ruby. Doggie related pee and poo events always occur outside. Always. While you're at it, quit pulling things off the counter tops. If you were meant to have the things on the counter tops, they would be located closer to the floor.

You probably don't want to hear about my good day. What made my day good would most likely bore you to tears. Besides, I'm much more entertaining when I'm a wreck. But I'm weak and shaky from exertion and glowing with accomplishment, so I am going to share anyway. I can be sad mess who misses her ex later.

At the barn where I ride, there is a hierarchy. People who are taking lessons, but don't own/lease their own horse, ride downstairs in the lesson program with Lisa. People who own their own horse and pay exorbitant monthly amounts for training, ride upstairs with Nick and Kost, the barn's owners.

I fall into the prior category, which is acutely frustrating due to the fact that there is no one else in the lesson program at my skill level and I lack the funds to have a horse of own and move to the upstairs ring. So I end up feeling like Kramer in karate class. I'm at the top of my class, but the class is made up of ten year olds who will eventually corner me in a dark alley and proceed to beat the living shit out of yours truly. Don't get me wrong, my classmates are good. They show talent and promise, but I've been doing this longer than they've been alive.

Today I came out only to exercise Chopper, but I happened to time my arrival just right so that I could ride with an upstairs lesson that was forced into the lower ring because their usual arena of practice was still muddy from the rain. Nick, the kindest man in the entire world, let me join the lesson.

Lisa, my usual trainer, is an excellent instructor with tons of experience, but Nick is Yoda. The Jedi Master of Jedi Masters. He can see things that are holding you back better than anyone and with a few well-chosen words fix everything. Many people have gone on to win championships at the local, state, and national level under his tutelage (and then became one with the Force).

I finally got to jump my normal 3'-3'3" height as opposed to the 2' fences that I had been restricted to, and man, we floated. Chopper and I picked off distances like pros. He glided over the higher fences so easily and never once backed off. Now that's the kind of horse you marry.

When it was all said and done, Nick congratulated me on a good ride and called me an old lady (he's known me since I was a teenager). I gave him a big hug and thanked him profusely for the opportunity to ride with him again.

His brother, Kost, asked what happened and I exclaimed brightly, "I got to ride with the big kids and jump the big fences!"

My it's been a lovely day,
Everything is going my way.
I took out the trash today,
And I'm on FIRE!

~ The Dresden Dolls, Good Day

My Mom and Dad are going down to San Diego this weekend to look at three possible candidates for our new Greyhound. Mom is excited, but fretful.

Mom: I just wish they would have one dog and say, "This is the perfect dog for you!"

Me: Mom, they can't say that. How can they possibly know for sure?

Mom: I know, but I hate the idea of going down there, looking at these dogs, and saying, "I want you, but I don't want you."

Me: Mom, I doubt they think like that. They just see you as a new person, not a possible adoptive parent.

Mom: I don't think that's true.

Me: Okay Mom. Be strong.

Self imposed guilt - yet another reason my mother is the biggest Jew of us all.

Every day I wake up and thank the good Lord above for France. Without France, where would have learned to deep fry potatoes? Where would we get our fine perfumes and Hermes leather products? Where would the Eiffel Tower be? What would Mr. Armstrong be known for? What country would be looking at US foreign policy and going "WTF?" But mostly I'm just thankful for the French fries.

Now I have another reason to love French people (even if they think we're a bunch of extravagant baboons) (besides, a country which honors Jerry Lewis as a cultural icon should not throw stones) -

(PS - If you're male and knew that I was referring to Better Off Dead, the greatest teen romantic comedy EVER, call me.)

(Thank you TMN)

Practice Makes Perfect, originally uploaded by TheAdnostic.

All the stylists at the hair salon I go to decorate their tool boxes (yes, they keep their equipment in tool boxes) with all kinds of clever stickers that you can probably only find on Melrose. Sometimes, location is everything.

Some people want to get to Carnegie Hall, others.... others just want to get to bed. Bless them.

I want a new laptop bag*. What I wouldn't give to not have to take my crappy clunky aluminum case to conferences, or be able to switch out the Dell laptop bag that comes with the company loaner for something that doesn't scream, "I am carrying an expensive computer chock full or corporate secrets and passwords! Please steal me!" It would also be nice to walk into a meeting with our larger clients on their home turf with something that has a little more style than black nylon. Nothing says "I have no imagination" like black nylon.

Face it people, a laptop bag is the new power accessory. Right up there with the Palm Treo, a Mac PowerBook, and a Video iPod. Me? I have no power, but a little extra armor would be swell.

Then Shinny Shinny turns me on to Talene Reilly and I am enthralled. I see the Reese model in wine flannel and I go into serious coveting mode. Look at it! Can you blame me?

Sure, I wouldn't be able to put stickers on it, but who would want to ruin a perfectly good design like that?

*notice I didn’t say “need”

I hope you're glad I don't take myself too seriously, because if I did you wouldn't get to see buzz word magic like this:

All joking aside, a word to wise marketers looking to expand their interactive marketing budget - when a company throws buzz word after buzz word at you, but puts no real thought or tangible tracking and analytics into their strategy, then be prepared to receive no return on your investment. I know a few SEM firms who are very good at that.

Marketing without accountability is stupid.

It looks as though it is time for me to find a new career path. There is no clearer sign of your future employability in advertising being null and void than the automation of your entire department. Thanks Deutsch Inc. Thanks a lot.

I wonder if those sweatshops in China are hiring? I hope my fingers aren't too "adult-like."

Patz & Hall, originally uploaded by TheAdnostic.

It was a big wine week for me, first with the tasting dinner on Saturday and then with the Patz & Hall wine tasting and rock concert tonight. The Chardonays were tasty, more crisp than they were forgetable, and the Pinots were distinct (at $50 to $80 a bottle, they better be).

Amy Cooper rocked the place. Far more guts than your average singer/songwriter, and when I grow up, I want legs just like hers.

Thank you Heidi for putting me on your guest list. I wouldn't have made it otherwise.

Have I ever expressed my pure and undying love for Jelly? Read this post and understand why.

You love her too now, don't you.

I know I have neglected the Foodie Fodder section of this website. This is mostly due to the fact that I get most of my recipes from the small collection of books I own and have no desire to be sued for copy right infringement by the estate of Julia Childs, but occasionally I find something worthwhile on the net.

Such was the case for the steak and marinade I brought for Murray's grilling pleasure at Ms. Jen's going away barbeque. I found the recipe for the marinade on WholeFoods.com and thought it sounded perfect, spicy and interesting without being overwhelming. The best part is that you don't have to buy a more expensive loin cut and can still end up with a tender steak because yogurt is a natural tenderizer.

I know grilling season is over, but without further ado I give you Tandori Beef/Lamb.

BTW - It turned out delicious and was devoured without restraint.

Now it's time for my next culinary project - Italian Chili with hot Italian sausage and chicken from the New Basics Cookbook.

Ruben and Johan, originally uploaded by TheAdnostic.

Last Saturday some friends of mine and I got together in Long Beach for a casual wine tasting dinner at a Lebanese restaurant. It's really just an excuse to socialize and sample some fine vino (especially from Johan, he can always be counted on to bring something just this side of divine).

I'm glad Momiji Man made it. I've wanted to integrate him into my circle of friends for a while now.

Momiji Man: I should have taken advantage of the bathroom while we were at the restaurant.

Me: Are you doing the Pee Pee Dance?

Momiji reddens and continues to hop from foot to foot.

Me: Oh, that's funny!

Momiji: No, this is not fun.

Me: I didn't say it was fun. I said it was funny.

My sister, the one at the Caribbean vet school, has started her large animal rotation. This means it's time for her to practice her cutting and sewing skills on donkeys, sheep, cows, and horses. Apparently she's doing okay with the sheep and donkey, but she's having issues with the horse and called me for some sagely advice which would hopefully cure everything. Apparently she never got the memo stating that I am not a source for that kind of information, I only give out gloom and doom.

Me: So let me get this straight. There's no one in charge. The horses have no consistent training or handling. The school just sends out a fresh faced crop of vet students in their last quarter and tells them to feed the beasts and pick their hooves.

Leah: Yes.

Me: And she kicked you?

Leah: Yes. What do I do?

Me: Leah, these are essentially wild animals and you have every reason to be afraid. They can really hurt you.

[Strangely enough she found it reassuring to know that she wasn't being a total wuss.]

Leah: Okay, that helps. I'm bringing [fellow student with horse experience] to help me with her tonight.

Me: Good. I never want you handling this horse alone again.

Leah: Okay. I'll bring Tom [boyfriend] out with me from now on. I know I'm going have to do another large animal rotation at my next school [she has to do one more year at a school in the States], is this what it's going to be like?

Me: Most schools in the States at least have someone in charge of their horses and even have a riding and training program. You'll probably also be working on privately owned animals, and you may get a bad owner now and then, but for the most part the horses will be tame.

Leah: Alright. Thanks Beans!

Me: No problem. Just tough it out and keep in mind that this is almost over.

This is my way of telling her that for now she is screwed because whoever is in charge of the horses (and I have little doubt that SOMEONE is in charge) is an idiot and should be castrated for putting these kids in that much danger.

For the past two years (or is it three) I have been vicariously enjoying the festivities of the SXSW Interactive Conference through Ms. Jen. Who did you meet? What parties did you go to? What panels were the most exciting? What panel did you like best? What neat applications can I expect to see? Can I see the pictures? What about the boys?! Tell me about the boys!

I always wanted to go, but I never had the funds or the occupation to write off the expense. This year I finally have both. I tried to get the company to pay for it, but there is no training budget. I'm not saying that my boss refused to fund me, or thought the endeavor was somehow frivolous. I'm saying there is no training budget. Period.

I work for a web marketing company that is expected to stay on the cutting edge of technology and usability, and we have no training budget. Interesting.

Well, at least I have an abundance of PTO days so I won't be losing any of my salary for going and I can certainly qualify the expense as a tax write off, so not too bad. It could certainly be worse.

Anyways, I'm very excited to be heading out to Austin for 2006. I hope Ms. Jen will be able to make it this year; it would be an awfully lonely week otherwise. I promise not to assault the blogebrities. Really. I can be the picture of cool composure.... sometimes. Why are you laughing?

Thanks Hugh for the BlogHer discount! Every penny counts and I look forward to meeting you in March.

My company is currently in desperate need of Information Architects, Web Programmers, and a Web Analyst.

- Architects must be experienced in planning web sites and using Visio.

- Programmers must have serious .Net skills, but I'm sure nunchak skills will be considered with the appropriate weight.

- Analysts must have experience translating web data for people who just don't get numbers.

If any of these describes you, e-mail me. You must be in the LA area because The Man will not pay for relocation.

I like working here. The people are fun, nice, and so far no crazies. The work is challenging and you'll get the experience of working for a variety of high profile clients.

One of my favorite sections in McSweeney's is the Songbook collection. Inspired by Nick Hornby some time ago, writers submit stories about specific songs or artists that had a great deal of significance at certain points in their lives. I think it's time I did a bastardized version of my own. For me, right now, it's River by Joni Mitchell.

It's coming on Christmas, they're cutting down trees

Putting up reindeer and singing songs of joy and peace

I wish I had a river I could skate away on....

The other night, while driving down the 101, I saw a house with a decorated tree outside and a window all aglow with the words, "Feliz Navidad." Call me old fashioned, but I still consider September to be way too early for Christmas. Say it with me people - No justice, no peace, and no Christmas before Thanksgiving!

It doesn't snow here and it stays pretty green

Gonna make a lot of money then I'm going to quit this crazy scene

I wish I had a river I could skate away on....

I was walking around Sunset Junction once and I made brief eye contact with a woman walking the opposite direction. Was that Joni Mitchell?, I thought. It couldn't be. There is no way Joni would be walking unaccompanied around a Silverlake street fair in a simple shift dress and a Camelback. Fans would have bombarded her. But man, she really did look like Joni.

I know she still lives in Silverlake. I guess she never quite made it out of town like she had planned.

He tried hard to help me and put me at ease

He loved me so naughty it made me weak in my knees

I wish I had a river I could skate away on....

At one point while he and I were dating, he was in Vegas and I was dropping off a friend at his house after an evening of fine dining and mediocre music, we had the sweetest series of text messages. Him telling me what a great time he was having, me making a few good-natured sarcastic remarks, and ending up telling each other how much we missed the other person. Momiji Man was there for the whole thing.

Me: This is weird. I've never dated a guy who was this openly smitten with me. I want to believe it, but I can't help thinking it's some kind of screwed up mind game.
Momiji: Just enjoy it, and don't fuck it up.
Me: Wow. You should give relationship advice professionally.

I'm so hard to handle, I'm selfish and I'm sad

Now I lost the best baby that I ever had

I wish I had a river I could skate away on....

Here's the thing with being a chronic relationship short termer - You can blame your inability to maintain a serious relationship on the fact that you've been dating a bunch of jerks, but when you finally do date someone nice and worthwhile and that doesn't last very long either you have to start wondering what the hell is wrong with you. Especially when you notice a pattern of self-sabotage throughout the courtship.

I fucked up, he will not forgive me, and I don't blame him. I keep trying to rationalize it by saying that if I really mattered to him, then what I did would have been of little consequence, but then again why put up with someone else's BS when you don't have to?

Oh I wish I had a river so wide

Teach my feet to fly

I wish I had a river I could skate away on

'Cause I made my baby say goodbye....

Funny how rejection makes you want to get away from everything you know. You crave a vacation, a road trip, anything just to escape, because all those things you are trying to get away from are all the things that make you who you are and that was not good enough for someone you thought was wonderful and important. I cannot change who I am, but I am strong enough to adapt and adjust and make myself ready for the next great guy who has the audacity to sweep me off my feet.

I am a firm believer in the fact that therapy only works for people who really want to change. Right now there is a vast disconnect between the confident vocal woman I am when single and the insecure piece of spineless jell-o that I am when in a relationship. I want to reconcile that. I want to change, so I've decided to take advantage of one of my benefits from work and start going to therapy. I hope it helps before I ruin the next good thing that comes into my life.